***Foul language is here....you have been forewarned***
After nearly 3 years of starting this blog, starting this "journey" I've been on, I've hit a big damn brick wall that is the size of the fucking moon. The past few months have been exceptionally hard for me to get myself out of this hole I've dug myself into. Truth be told....I've gained most of the weight I've lost, over the past 3 years back. I've pretty much gained about 20 lbs since July of this year. Why? Well...that's a very good question.
There's a lot of whys. None of them are very good excuses, but nonetheless they are my reasons. I set out 3 years ago with a pretty large goal in mind. It was simple, I needed to lose 115 lbs to get to my "ideal weight" Over time, that goal kept slipping and slipping. I continued to plod on, learning so much more about health and wellness than I thought I could have. My journey in a nutshell of the past few years has been.....ooh lost 30 lbs, gained some back, lost some more, gained some back, got sick, gained some more, got better, lost some that I gained, got sick again, gained more, got better, lost some, got sick for almost 6 months, gained a shit load, got better, lost a shit load, got sick again, gained some more, then I gave up. Looking back on this roller coaster, I started feeling like what's the point?
I'm no stranger to getting advice from others. I'm sure you aren't too. I have everyone and their fucking mother telling me what I should/shouldn't do. Eat more vegetables, eat more fruits, don't eat too many carbs, eat in moderation, severly limit your carbs, don't severely limit your carbs, cut out dairy, cut out meat, become a vegan, eat more fiber, add chia seeds, weigh your food, log your food, and the list goes on. Seriously.....I get it!!! I KNOW what I SHOULD be doing. It's not a matter of not knowing what I should be doing. It's also not a matter of being uneducated and not understanding how my body works. While I get that many people want to offer advice for what's worked for them, what's worked for them may not work for others. I also totally understand that people just want to help, but here's my issue......No one can help me but myself. I have to be the one who makes the choices to get my shit back together and decide my next steps. There have been times lately where I seriously want to just scream "shut the fuck up!" when I'm being told all the things I need to do.
I'm almost done venting....I swear. I'm thinking to myself....what the hell should I do now? Do I start back logging my food? Doing my fitbit challenges? Going to the gym 5 days a week? Working out with a trainer? Going to a nutritionist? Eat more protein? Eat less carbs? Get bariatric surgery? Go to counseling for food addiction? Eat less sugar? Eat more seeds? Don't eat more seeds? Cut out dairy? Cut out meat? Eat vegan? The answer? I don't fucking know at this point. What I DO know is this. I'm at an all too familiar place at the moment. It's my own little party I'm throwing for myself. A Pity Party- party of 1. I don't intend to drag others into my party, I'm definitely not inviting anyone either. Probably one of the most difficult things about being overweight is the constant feeling of being watched and scrutinized. Going out to eat, you feel like others are watching, and judging every bite I take. Dissecting my food choices, wondering why I picked the white toast over the whole wheat toast. Why I'm eating a chicken leg instead of a breast. You get the picture. Sometimes you just want to eat some fucking cake!
Ok my vent is over. I'm working hard on ending this pity party. It's going to take some work, but I'm hopeful that as I'm getting closer to the new year, more exciting ideas will pop into my mind. I've done this to myself, I can undo it as well.